Why is Grief Misunderstood and 5 Ways to Cope with the Loss of a Loved One

Hey Team,

In these blog posts, I attempt to activate one of three things: educate, challenge bias, or inform people about their healthcare and wellness. One area we often overlook is the mental or emotional side of our wellness spectrum. But why? In my 16 years as a physical therapist, the patient's psychology has been the number one driving force in our treatments' success. It seems odd… but it's true. More so, I see we do not touch on the mental health side of wellness enough, and maybe this is because it makes us uncomfortable. Or perhaps we don't know what to do…or say.

This month marks two weeks since my beloved Grandmother-in-law (Mary Lawson) passed and three years since my Father-in-Law, Dr. Terry Lawson, passed away unexpectedly. It still is shocking to our family and me. I have had minimal exposure to tragedies, but this has been a different ballgame. Terry's death created access to an entirely different aspect of my life I was not genuinely aware was there. Some of it is good… some of it isn't good. Emotions resurfaced with "Granny" recently passing and her being a transformational person in our lives. What I'm talking about is grief. I am not alone in this area… as many in this community have sustained a tragedy and know precisely what I am saying.

Understanding the importance of mental health in our lives and the recent loss of Granny… this week is a necessary time to discuss grief. Also, a reader reached out to me nearly a month ago to discuss this topic and the resources that helped create direction in her life while grieving. Thank you for the weekend conversation and the books you sent me in the mail.

THE MODERN DEFINITION OF GRIEF IS WRONG

The modern definition from dictionary.com is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. But how do you define such a powerful emotion down to a sentence? Grief is more significant than a sentence. It is overwhelming. Grief is a feeling of injustice, misfortune, an emotional burden, oppressing you…with a great sense of heaviness. Overall, grief is an intense emotion usually associated with negative feelings: anger, sadness, despair, but honestly, it is a multi-faceted process truly designed to…heal.

MISUNDERSTOOD 5 STAGES OF GRIEF

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist credited with the famous five stages of grief from her observations working with terminally ill patients. The five stages were: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were initially seen as boxes to check on the way to recovery… but this was not the intent of Kubler. She became frustrated with this simple interpretation of her observations due to these stages' simplistic or robotic nature. These stages are fluid, flowing from one to the other, not as benchmarks. Due to this frustration, she later published her final book, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss.

•          Grief is Ultimately a Process: Kubler also derived a four-part meaning of grief before she passed to help create a better understanding of grief.

•          Grief is a Highly Individualized and Non-Linear Process: In her five stages of grief, the stages are not meant to simplify grief's complex nature into very linear boxes. Grief is very individual and non-linear. The purpose of these stages is to help identify and frame the feelings we are experiencing: to draw comfort, knowing these feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression are not unique to only one person but universal. These stages are to assist us in learning to live without our loved ones.

•          Grief is a Healing Process: Part of the grieving process is to grieve fully. We tend not to grieve fully, as seen with short bereavement packages, work expectations, and cultural stipulations on how to "deal" with your emotions. By suffering entirely, true healing can begin. But why do we hurt at all? This intense pain is linked to our overwhelming love for the person we miss. The pain is directly related to the love; therefore, to deny one…is to deny the other. Grief is a fantastic emotion with the actual power to heal… if allowed to grieve fully. As Kubler notes, it always works.

•          Grief Can be an Isolating Process: Grief can be lonely due to intense and lasting emotions. Most friends, and even some family, cannot relate to the same level of pain noted by the grieving individual. Many feel we need to "fix" them or distract them while returning to "normal." Our friends don't know what to say to help… so in time, the process tends to be isolating.

•          Grief Can be a Transformational Process: Grief has the power to transform. When we lose someone we love, we tend to reflect intensely. We examine the aspect of the loved one's life we had not recalled in years and give credit to their impact on our lives. Also, the grieving process creates transformation in you. It is a change in health habits, creating better emotional expressions, developing enhanced interpersonal relationships, or simply appreciating others or life in general. Grief can help transform a person... if you let it. At our worst, we do have the power to find some bit of hope.

5 STRATEGIES TO HELP WITH GRIEVING

1.         Talk about it: Having someone you can talk to and express your feelings is vital to the healing needed to occur with this journey. Discussing this with a family member or friend helps you acknowledge this person's impact on your life.

2.         Exercise: Working out or continuing a fitness program can help you use negative and powerful emotions for your benefit. Plus, the natural endorphins released after exercise can assist with mood.

3.         Nutrition: How you feel correlates to the food you eat. Eating a nutritious and balanced diet during this stressful time will help with mental health. Some will binge eat, and others will starve themselves. Find balance to give yourself the best nutrients for energy.

4.         Maintain routine and sleep: Returning to regular sleeping patterns will help maintain a proper mood and resist fatigue. Feeling worn down will only compound negative emotions and make healing more challenging.

5.         Minimize coping substances: Hiding the pain will only be temporary and is not a sustainable treatment strategy. A pattern will develop in association with your emotions and lead to dependency on these substances. Take the time to find a person who will allow you to discuss your grief.

Overall, as I look back at myself with these four definitions of grief, I agree grief is a non-linear process as the pain for me will be similar to a wave. One minute you are fine, and the next, you are not… and grief can be unpredictable. I also understand how the pain I feel is equivalent to how much I miss my loved ones. Terry was a great mentor and friend to me for over twenty years; his absence is felt daily, and Granny was the best of the best. She embodied the definition of a "Granny" and was "Salt to the Earth." I do, however, see how grief can be a healing process and transformational overall. With my wife and family's help, I am not the same person today as I was a few years ago. I feel I am a different and more whole person due to the grieving process. The intensity of grief has shaken my core to the point of changing myself fundamentally...and mainly for good. The grieving approach has enhanced my relationship with my wife and emotionally changed my outlook.

Each journey and experience are different for everyone, but we are never alone in our pain. If you need to reach out due to your grieving process or need some direction in services during your journey… feel free to call or email me.